I think maybe we have too many rules for my daughter. On the other hand, we do make exceptions, and I think this is making her a great negotiator. Why? I think a good negotiator is one who’s faced with many rules (example: “This is the price, take it or leave it”), and understands that all ‘rules’ can be challenged. Of course, the caveat being, this only applies to rules made up parents, teachers, bosses, clients etc., not to rules made up by the courts and parliaments!
Now, we may be wrong in having so many rules for her, and we also may be wrong in making exceptions. Maybe I’ll read parenting blogs about that and maybe I won’t. I do want to dive into the negotiation topic a bit more though.
Lets take an example. She gets thirty minutes of screen time everyday. This can be TV, some apps/games on a tablet, or even a phone. This also includes any educational app! My daughter loves to read, and is also mandated (more rules) by her teacher to read. She never breaks this rule, because she loves it. So, she reads every single day. Normally we have enough books from the library, so she never has to read on an app (we use Raz-Kids when she does). On weekends, she gets an hour of screen time. This is typically when she’ll use one slot for TV and one for Raz-Kids.
This week, we realized that we only have books to last until Wednesday. I say to her, “I think you’ll have to read on Raz-Kids today”. She says “okay”. Now here’s the brilliance. She knows if no one brings up screen time explicitly, then she can use Raz-Kids and watch TV. If we tell her not to watch TV later, her argument would be: (a) “You only asked me to use Raz-Kids because we don’t have enough books” and (b) “You never told me that this would mean giving up my screen time”. Maybe she wouldn’t say it as articulately as that, but the arguments would be quite clear nevertheless.
So, I bring it up. “This would count to screen time, so I don’t think you should watch TV. You’re still straining your eyes looking at the screen even if it's just reading a book.” She immediately makes a face. “That’s not fair! I have to read, my teacher has told me to read”. So, I try and get her to make a concession. “I know that, which is why I’m asking you to read on Raz-Kids. I am only asking you to do this for two days. We’ll go to the library on Saturday, and get lots of books.” She’s still not happy about it. “Mmmmmmm”. So, the negotiation starts, with me making the first concession. Okay, how about, if you give up TV on Thursday, I’ll let you do both on Friday”. I should have mentioned, that I too love negotiating. She smiles. Looks like we have a deal!
Now for the twist. My wife comes in, and my daughter tells her how we’ve run out of books. “Oh! I had got a book for you and was saving it as a surprise! Let me get it out!”
Instead of getting excited about this, the first thing my daughter says, “but can I still do both TV and Raz-Kids on Friday?”. I think I might let her have both.
Now, we may be wrong in having so many rules for her, and we also may be wrong in making exceptions. Maybe I’ll read parenting blogs about that and maybe I won’t. I do want to dive into the negotiation topic a bit more though.
Lets take an example. She gets thirty minutes of screen time everyday. This can be TV, some apps/games on a tablet, or even a phone. This also includes any educational app! My daughter loves to read, and is also mandated (more rules) by her teacher to read. She never breaks this rule, because she loves it. So, she reads every single day. Normally we have enough books from the library, so she never has to read on an app (we use Raz-Kids when she does). On weekends, she gets an hour of screen time. This is typically when she’ll use one slot for TV and one for Raz-Kids.
This week, we realized that we only have books to last until Wednesday. I say to her, “I think you’ll have to read on Raz-Kids today”. She says “okay”. Now here’s the brilliance. She knows if no one brings up screen time explicitly, then she can use Raz-Kids and watch TV. If we tell her not to watch TV later, her argument would be: (a) “You only asked me to use Raz-Kids because we don’t have enough books” and (b) “You never told me that this would mean giving up my screen time”. Maybe she wouldn’t say it as articulately as that, but the arguments would be quite clear nevertheless.
So, I bring it up. “This would count to screen time, so I don’t think you should watch TV. You’re still straining your eyes looking at the screen even if it's just reading a book.” She immediately makes a face. “That’s not fair! I have to read, my teacher has told me to read”. So, I try and get her to make a concession. “I know that, which is why I’m asking you to read on Raz-Kids. I am only asking you to do this for two days. We’ll go to the library on Saturday, and get lots of books.” She’s still not happy about it. “Mmmmmmm”. So, the negotiation starts, with me making the first concession. Okay, how about, if you give up TV on Thursday, I’ll let you do both on Friday”. I should have mentioned, that I too love negotiating. She smiles. Looks like we have a deal!
Now for the twist. My wife comes in, and my daughter tells her how we’ve run out of books. “Oh! I had got a book for you and was saving it as a surprise! Let me get it out!”
Instead of getting excited about this, the first thing my daughter says, “but can I still do both TV and Raz-Kids on Friday?”. I think I might let her have both.
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